Friday, July 31, 2009

Enjoy the Silence.

Nothing much, nothing much.

There's a new beginning in the air. I'm terrified, but it's thrilling. I never truly imagined myself beyond college. A new perception of myself and my future must form.

I feel like I'm just now coming into the perception of youth that my peers felt in high school. College has been what high school is typically portrayed as for me. Inevitable firsts and thwarts.

I'm the last unicorn amongst my friends in some respects. I will turn 22 having never been sincerely kissed or having really dated.

I've found myself wishing that I had more slutty friends. Not so much because I want to seduce and be seduced, but because I want to hear their stories. So many of my friends are boring in the ways that I am boring. All the interesting ones are older by at least three years, typically.

One of my best friends is now 30 years old. It recently occurred to me that the generation I've idealized is now within the bracket of 30-45 years old. I don't know what to think of that.

I've been gradually eating less meat, just as I was told to do in order to ease into vegetarianism. I don't feel as sincere about it as I should, so I ultimately feel very hypocritical about it.

I've been surrounded by animals rather suddenly, and I've been enjoying it thoroughly. I've needed that comfort.

I feel that am a wolf running through fields and forests in the dark of the night. I have always felt this way. Dangerous and vulnerable. Predatory, but made for the pack. The potential for going at it alone.

Don't be frightened. You're my friend, remember?

Last night, I dreamed that we were all together again. At one party. I spoke to no one. I just moved through the rooms as usual, exchanging smiles and then ultimately hiding myself away from the people that love me most. Friends called out my name and I concealed myself all the more carefully. I always did enjoy hide and seek. The dream ended after I had had one on one encounters with all my friends. Small talk and whatnot. I said goodbye just as I awoke, remembering distances and time.

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