Valentine's Day

Obligatory warm and fuzzy feelings and guilt for having trouble connecting with other people and guilt for saying no to some and guilt for being so smitten for someone that doesn't care about you and guilt and guilt and guilt. But warm and fuzzy feelings for yourself and thoughts of being very very worthy and having not found "the one."

Happy Valentine's Day. We are married in secret much to the master's chagrin. All hail Lord Valentine. All hail the day of Roman orgy. The day the Roman soldiers would impregnate women with future soldiers. The day of candies and balloons and flowers and cards and red and pink and red and pink. Our hearts are black, and that means we're nervous.

Yuck.

I dreamt of a butcher shop last night where one could purchase any kind of meat. I tried to save the dogs they were slaughtering but failed. I woke up and felt unsure if what I had dreamed was real or not.

The human meat tasted like a chicken-pork hybrid.

This was a "soul doughnut."

I didn't realize it at the time, but this mix has remained very strong and representative of what I love most. It somehow captures my essence. It doesn't necessarily contain my most favorite songs or even my favorite artists, but there is something very simple and hopeful in it that still lingers.

And there is a story behind it that I don't feel like telling, especially not in a public forum. Let's just say that this might end up as a soundtrack to its corresponding film someday.

"Did You See the Words"-Animal Collective
"Mambo Sun"-T. Rex
"Soul Love"-David Bowie
"Jique"-Brazilian Girls
"We're Desperate"-X
"Neat Little Domestic Life"-Of Montreal
"Suite: Judy Blue Eyes"-Crosby, Stills, & Nash
"Step Into My Office, Baby"-Belle & Sebastian
"Get the Fuck Out of My Office"-Men's Recovery Project
"Ode to Billy Joe"-Bobbie Gentry
"Some Velvet Morning"-Lee Hazelwood & Nancy Sinatra
"Headlock"-Imogen Heap
"Alice"-Pogo
"Natural's Not In It"-Gang of Four
"Heartbeats"-The Knife
"Turn to Stone"-Electric Light Orchestra
"To the East"-Electrelane
"Road to Home"-Girl in a Coma
"Elephant Parade"-Jon Brion
"Under the Milky Way Tonight"-The Church
"Strange Lights"-Deerhunter
"Hushabye Mountain"-Dick Van Dyke

Listening to it makes me feel naive. When I hear these songs separate and away from this mix, it still makes me think of the mix as a whole. And the story. It's like hearing someone's name said who you were very close to and then suddenly died when the person speaking it is referring to someone else. The story has nothing to do with anything like that, but it's the same feeling.

I can't recall having ever made myself feel so vulnerable with a mix. I never knew it was possible until this happened. I can't say that I want it to happen ever again.