tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62875284735314763012024-02-08T03:48:55.762-08:00Collecting, Listing and Other Life-Changing HabitsConsequential thought patterns.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.comBlogger81125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-88438321260080028432014-08-04T23:44:00.004-07:002017-11-03T13:15:06.250-07:00Well, then.I seem to have neglected this blog for a couple years. Let's talk about some things.
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I still live in Fort Wayne. I still don't have a full-time job, and it's not because I haven't tried to land one. Ho hum. 14 serious interviews over the past couple years have lead to approximately nothing. Ho hum.<br />
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I went through two relationships after the last post found here.<br />
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That doesn't include the current.<br />
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The first was with a young man named Stan. He was nice, but boring. I broke up with him after a month.<br />
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The second was with Betsy. She was one of my best friends. She'll no longer speak to me because I made no mystery of feeling hurt when she ended things. She decided she wanted to exclusively date her alcoholic fuck buddy in Bloomington. I wish her the best and miss her sometimes.<br />
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The current is with a trans woman who was a porn actress and sex worker a couple years ago. We met through playing Magic. I had previously seen her pictures on Tumblr when she lived across the country. Running into her here in town was a shock, but I was determined to befriend her. Her relationship at the time was falling apart, and after a month of being broken up, we began to spend time together, and...well...one thing leads to another. She's gorgeous. It's not often one actually encounters a fantasy in the flesh. My life is sometimes wonderfully frightening.<br />
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She is polyamorous. I am not, or at least I don't believe I am. I'm beginning to move towards it though for self-preservation reasons. It has been a very hard year and a half for me, because she's had relationships with other people in this time. I have not, and part of that is connected to my own feelings of being unattractive. Undesirable. It's made me feel boring. I've also had to suppress my desire to be my old, flirtacious self because of all the fights we've had about her flirting with others. Lead by example, or something. As I've said, I'm beginning to move toward the possibility of having other relationships in addition to this. It's a world I'm unfamiliar with, though. That's intimidating. The opposite of having heavily guarded walls. Something in it sounds potentially freeing, though. We'll see.<br />
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We adopted a sweet ginger, polydactyl cat named Hannibal. Well, "sweet" is probably not a word that accurately describes Hannibal. Hannibal is vicious and regularly strikes or bites us after enjoying cuddle sessions. All the same, I don't regret adopting him. He kills centipedes for me. That is reason enough to have him around. Additionally, when he's in the mood to be pet and loved, he's very loving toward us. Generally, our home feels more like a home because he's here.<br />
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It occurs to me that I have filled my life with difficult relationships. Strange how that happens.<br />
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Tomorrow, we will leave for Colorado. She hasn't seen her mom in about three years. Initially, we were going to drive across the country to pick up her things from her ex's garage, until we learned that the family had moved and discarded the majority of her stuff, which is honestly to be expected.
A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-6413256385976893012012-02-14T20:40:00.000-08:002012-02-14T20:43:33.752-08:00I don't know if I can take your weaknesses for what they are<br />As evidence that you enjoy a different kind of life<br />And that you have a different sense of fun<br />That I have never intended to experience<br />Without judging you, but <br />I still like you,<br />Mostly.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-79610523015124346682012-01-23T19:07:00.000-08:002012-01-23T19:24:08.008-08:00I am full of a boundless love for myself<br />And also for others.<br /><br />That is why my skin is warm.<br />That is why you're drawn to me.<br />But you knew these things<br />Even before we spoke.<br /><br />I am not dark and brooding,<br />As I've always thought.<br />There is a light that engulfs me<br />That you long to bask in.<br /><br />This is why my creativity level has plummeted.<br />I am contented in my own being.<br />In knowing that my existence and companionship<br />Is sought after.<br /><br />I am not completed by others.<br />I am enraptured in my own warmth<br />And the enjoyment others may find in it.<br />The sharing of warmth is highly underrated.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-73195243965164173582012-01-06T05:26:00.000-08:002012-01-06T05:30:40.465-08:00Music in 2011...<span style="font-weight:bold;">Disclaimer</span>: I had yet another big year. I experienced my first relationship of sorts, my first messy break-up, unsatisfying and stressful jobs, failed interviews, the loss of friends through death and little communication, and a long, winding depression to go with it all. My relationship to music, which has always been the strongest aspect of my personal media consumption, took a backseat to self-reflective silence for the majority of it. It wasn’t until late September finally came around along with a new job that I was able to begin feeling like myself again. As such, I ended up playing “catch-up” near the year’s end. <br /> <br />SO, the following list is composed of what found me while all the rest of that was going on. Enjoy.<br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Timber Timbre’s <span style="font-style:italic;">Creep On Creepin’ On</span></span><br />This was my favorite of 2011. Haunting, melancholy folk music sung by one of the most unique voices I’ve heard in a long time. This album instantly made me feel like I’d been familiar with it all my life, as if it was a vintage, old-timey list of ghostly standards. Given the overwhelming feelings of loss that followed me throughout the year, the line “All I need is some sunshine” out of “Black Water” was a stark reminder that the feelings and year itself would pass with the aid of some vacation time and vitamin D. This album is essentially a stark comfort blanket, dealing with themes of growing older and losing youthful idealism, repetitious, often unhealthy thought patterns, and endless questioning of selfhood.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Björk’s <span style="font-style:italic;">Biophilia</span></span><br />“Oh, hey Björk…what’s up? Oh, you recorded a new album that sounds like you again? That’s cool…haven’t heard one of those since Vespertine, ten years ago. Woah, I really like these singles. They’re catchy, and they’ve got some classy, dubstepy edge sometimes. Yeah, I don’t really like dubstep, either, but I think you did it really well because you made it short, sweet, and unexpected. Thank you for the harp fix, too, because I don’t think anyone else really utilized that this year. And the celestial theme-it’s perfect. Your new hairstyle, however…”<br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Son Lux’s <span style="font-style:italic;">We Are Risin</span>g</span><br />Admittedly, I found this album because its weird yet brilliant opening track, “Flickers,” appeared in the first episode of American Horror Story, and I’m nerdy enough to have looked at that TV show’s website more than a handful of times. I found out later that this whole album was written and recorded in February of 2011, and that the man behind it is a classically trained composer who attended IU in Bloomington. The album itself is a surprising mixture of sparse orchestral elements, haunting atmosphere, and catchy, primitive repetition. Despite the fact that it was conceptualized from start to finish within a month, it’s remarkably polished, and lyrically universal. Impressive.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Florence + The Machine’s <span style="font-style:italic;">Ceremonials</span></span><br />“How do you feel about Florence + The Machine?” I had asked my friend, Adam. Adam responded that all of her music may be set to the following image: a closeted gay man walks into an American Apparel and tries on a sweater that will certainly out him if he purchases it, but the sweater fits him more perfectly than any sweater before it. He then breaks down crying in the dressing room as he decides that he’s going to just do it. He’s going to make the purchase. That image and stigma aside, I generally really like Florence + The Machine, despite the fact that I’ve never been fully comfortable with the fact that she specializes in modern power ballads. I saw her perform in July and it was like watching a forest sprite prancing around while doubling as a mythical siren on an island. Oh, right, the album. It’s darker than the last, and simultaneously a tad grander. The opening track, “Only If For a Night,” produces some of the same feelings that “Cosmic Love” did, only with some kind of Victorian “I’m carrying a lantern down a hallway and following an apparition in slow motion while bellowing out this song” kind of a feel. While I love that, I will say that the album’s single “Shake It Off” feels like a patronizing effort to appease any and all inevitable future chick flick requests that Florence should get. Even when I needed to hear that message, I completely resented it. In general, this album is solidly good, in spite of my snarky comments about it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Good Luck’s <span style="font-style:italic;">Without Hesitation</span></span><br />Bloomington greats, Good Luck, have experienced what feels like a meteoric, though still “underground,” rise in popularity and recognition over the past couple years. In reality, this is the result of extensive touring (in the US and UK) and charming personalities colliding with pop punk that makes you feel like it’s okay to forget any and all depressing thoughts you might have, at least for the duration of their albums or performances. Their songs are about enjoying your nerdiness, feeling alive, and getting locked in positive moments. While I haven’t quite connected to this album the way that I connected to 2008’s Into Lake Griffy (perhaps because I only recently got it), I know that I will. This album isn’t as Bloomington-centric, but it still makes me feel as oddly nostalgic for Bloomington as its predecessor. <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Spank Rock’s <span style="font-style:italic;">Everything Is Boring and Everyone Is a Fucking Liar</span></span><br />I became aware of Spank Rock only recently because I decided that I really wanted stuff that was similar to the ATL RMX album that Adult Swim produced in 2009 (which stands as some of my most favorite danceable stuff ever). When looking into XXXChange, who was responsible for one of my favorite remixes on the album, I noticed that the link on the Wikipedia page for the album took me to Spank Rock instead of his page. Then I went to YouTube to investigate. That’s how my process works. Anyway, this album is bizarre, catchy and danceable. It’s bass-heavy with a kind of retro 80’s rap feel in his voice. There are elements of low production value, but they’re done well. Whenever something sounds cheap, it’s intentional, sometimes leading into Aphex Twin-like electronic distortion swoops. Lyrically, it’s a mixture of the usual rap subject matter with a kind of schizophrenic, unpredictable edge. Sometimes, it’s just ridiculous, but he’s aware of that. The whole thing wraps up in a funky track called “Energy” that completely breaks character from the rest of it and ends up feeling like the afterthought: “Oh, shit, we really need another single on this.” Maybe they did, but with or without that single, I enjoyed the album.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Little Scream’s <span style="font-style:italic;">The Golden Record</span></span><br />There are sometimes late nights where one may find oneself in a YouTube spiral, clicking through music videos of familiar bands only to potentially venture into unknown territories. That’s how I found Little Scream. Little Scream sounds like every alternative woman’s solo project on one album. Sometimes gritty, sometimes beautiful and delicate. She reminds me a lot of old Sheryl Crow with a taste of Kate Bush. Even if you don’t end up listening to this album, watch the live video of “The Heron And the Fox,” because it’s one of the best live recordings I’ve ever heard.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />tUnE-yArDs’ <span style="font-style:italic;">w h o k I l l</span></span><br />I know, that was painful to read, but please realize that it was also painful to type. Even if it hurts to read the name, her music is fun to listen to. She works in layers and loops while using a variety of instruments and vocals, creating abstract tracks that might feel abrasive at first but work their way into your subconscious. “Bizness” is like nothing else I’ve heard, but it feels oddly familiar. Something about all of it makes me want to mention 90’s Nickelodeon, and that’s generally a really favorable association. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Battles’ <span style="font-style:italic;">Gloss Drop</span></span><br />Battles definitely hit the mark this time around. Percussively driven, disciplined, and tight regardless of what instrument is playing or what’s being said (which no one will ever really know, because it’s all either gibberish or muddled sufficiently enough to the point of being unrecognizable). Unpredictably spazzy and eclectic, Gloss Drop is what I want summer to sound like. It’s got that “let’s go, let’s do this, come on” feel all throughout. You could easily imagine being strung-out in the sunshine to the majority of the album. You could imagine yourself at a carnival at night throughout. It also features two of my favorite songs to have emerged from this year, being “Ice Cream” and “Sweetie & Shag.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Chad VanGaalen’s <span style="font-style:italic;">Diaper Island</span></span><br />With a name like Diaper Island, you really don’t know what to expect. Thankfully, it’s not shitty. It’s primarily psychedelic lo-fi, reminding me of many of the best mellow Sonic Youth moments while showcasing a vocal effort that sometimes reminds me of Fleet Foxes if they were standing in a tunnel (especially on tracks like “Peace on the Rise” and “Sara”). It’s simple, straightforward, and really good.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Previously Unmentioned Songs (from albums I didn’t like in entirety or non-existent albums)</span><br />Andy D.’s “Angels On the Dance Floor”<br />Atlas Sound’s “Modern Aquatic Nightsongs”<br />Atmosphere’s “My Key”<br />Azealia Banks’ “212”<br />Duck Sauce’s “Big Bad Wolf”<br />Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks”<br />Gardens & Villa’s “Black Hills”<br />Kreayshawn’s “Gucci Gucci”<br />Leslie Hall’s “Hydrate Jirate”<br />David Lynch’s “Good Day Today”<br />M83’s “Midnight City”<br />Nine Inch Nails’ “Immigrant Song (feat. Karen O)”<br />My Morning Jacket’s “Holding On to Black Metal”<br />Nurses’ “Fever Dreams”<br />Radiohead’s “Codex”<br />Rasputina’s “I Go To Sleep”<br />Slothpop’s “Leaping Over Books”<br />Tammar’s “Heavy Tonight”<br />TV On the Radio’s “Will Do”<br />Eddie Vedder’s “Tonight You Belong to Me”A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-67101487017393635532012-01-01T22:55:00.000-08:002012-01-02T22:29:19.669-08:00I watched you fall apart<br />Both within and outside<br />Of what we once had.<br /><br />You're nothing more than a bully.<br />Secretly a sad, pathetic woman.<br />A pot that calls the kettle black.<br /><br />It is a tragedy that I loved you<br />And a tragedy that I speak about you<br />The way you speak about her.<br /><br />Happy New Year<br />To us both.<br />Maybe this year we'll heal.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-73131307533466172622011-12-14T21:55:00.001-08:002011-12-14T21:55:58.534-08:00"How does it feel to not exist?"<br />I had asked the wind.<br /><br />Only then did it occur to me that<br />I no longer cared<br />How the wind felt.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-29767939166636613652011-12-02T01:38:00.000-08:002011-12-02T02:01:33.100-08:00After a long day<br />Of nothing, even at work,<br />I ventured out from my cave<br />To a friend's place<br />Where drinking was promised<br />And I expected nothing more.<br /><br />And that was surely the extent<br />But then a presence entered<br />And the presence guided me onward<br />Into the night<br />From situation to situation<br />Leading me into what became<br />An unexpected renewal of my core.<br /><br />I have always been fascinated<br />By those that move freely<br />Without a care for prying eyes<br />Or judgement<br />Or perhaps even purpose.<br />People that can sense<br />What the proper movement is,<br />And then take it without a second thought.<br /><br />I do not dance, I watch.<br />But I can smile like a fool<br />And bob my head with rhythm.<br />Usually, that's all that's needed.<br />But a physical pull into the lava<br />That is a dance floor<br />Is not something I have experienced<br />In the way that I experienced it tonight.<br />My body went numb with surprise,<br />Repeatedly,<br />Sending me flailing backward toward the wall<br />Like a rat scurrying back into the darkness<br />After a floodlight has suddenly spotted it<br />But I enjoyed the idea<br />That someone would keep trying.<br />That the best dancer, in fact,<br />Would keep trying.<br /><br />And I don't smoke,<br />But the nicotine ingested<br />Was the most worthy I've had<br />Because it was discovered<br />That we are people of theory<br />And while my linguistic obsession<br />Seems almost common,<br />Hers is rare and truly beautiful to encounter.<br />Math.<br />Physics.<br />Theory in motion.<br />Theory in use.<br /><br />The only other person<br />I've ever met<br />Who does not yet have tattoos<br />Because she's holding out<br />For who will be able to depict<br />Her chosen abstract theories<br />To the best of their abilities.<br /><br />Shock and awe.<br />Obviously,<br />This is a fated friendship.<br />And I am terribly excited.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-5541752775413753072011-11-02T23:16:00.000-07:002011-11-02T23:47:44.966-07:00If this year has been anything to me,<br />It has been the development of my ability <br />To lull<br />To deceive into certainty<br />Only to then pull the rug out,<br />Leaving my opponents flailing<br />Sadly searching over their mistakes<br />Trying to find where they went wrong,<br />As if viewing a caper montage<br />Near the end of a long, confusing film.<br /><br />It's been the development<br />Of my latent ability<br />To suppress the thought<br />That my opponents care about anything<br />Except for winning<br />And the realization,<br />In my own victories,<br />That winning is not everything to me.<br /><br />It has been the cycle<br />Of decontextualization,<br />Dehumanization,<br />And reimplementation<br />Of Others and Otherness,<br />Of Selfhood and Such.<br /><br />I have learned <br />To distrust loops<br />As repetition is a deadly lie<br />And to make my moves with discretion,<br />Pushing for the progress<br />That one says one deserves.<br /><br />A careful innocence<br />Is now tainted<br />With the ability<br />To aggressively pursue<br />And consequently conquer,<br />To activate<br />A dangerous edge in me<br />If need be<br />As the edge is a necessity.<br /><br />A hunger for invincibility<br />Is actualized with certainty<br />In the self alone,<br />And only then.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-30603821522489065612011-09-12T00:29:00.001-07:002011-10-07T00:56:06.538-07:00My wheels slid out from beneath me.<br />I landed with a slide and thud.<br />Bruises and swelling.<br />Scuffed new clothes.<br />No blood, though.<br />I considered myself lucky and continued with bent handlebars.<br />I'd lost my name tag, and it didn't matter.<br />I came back later and found it in the gutter.<br /><br />After work, I played cards.<br />And a vintage goth approached me.<br />There was an immediate attraction.<br />Her son was my age,<br />And I felt a reckoning with my past.<br /><br />But she spoke of healing practices,<br />As a genetic biologist,<br />Discussing the importance of Calcium<br />To balance the Barium<br />That so brutally saturates this area.<br />And she hissed against potatoes<br />For their Solanine and Chaconine<br />That apparently prolong pain.<br /><br />And then she spoke of vampires<br />Saying that she frequented clubs<br />When she lived in Brazil<br />For the vampire crowd<br />And that she has fangs,<br />Custom-made,<br />With which she can bite,<br />But was quick to say that she doesn't.<br /><br />And I didn't believe her.<br />And she mentioned "the goddess" whenever possible.<br />"13 is the goddess' number, that's why it's demonized."<br />I felt compelled to roll my eyes.<br />It's not the knowledge, but the sense<br />That I've been here before.<br /><br />And I was very aware<br />That the me eight years ago<br />Would have been in love.<br />But Wicca is boring,<br />And vampires are behind me.<br />I no longer wish to live forever,<br />Or to be beautiful and seductive to all.<br />If anything, I've become more guarded than ever.<br />Reinforcing a wall once broken,<br />And waging wars with long-distance weapons.<br /><br />And still there was something very honest<br />In this small encounter<br />That made me pause and consider<br />The possibilities involved.<br />And the rings in her ears<br />Swung with every movement.<br />And she spoke of the multicolored hair<br />She used to have<br />Before her colleagues told her to be more professional.<br />And she gave me a shot of ginseng<br />That looked like a bottle of insulin<br />To be treated like a Capri Sun.<br />And a raw food energy bar,<br />A flavor of which I hadn't had before.<br /><br />If I had met this person 10 years ago<br />I would have fetishized her existence.<br />And the idea of it made me feel old<br />While I was aware I made her feel young.<br />And the old vampiric feelings came creeping back,<br />Despite my intentions.<br /><br />She kept telling me that I look tired<br />Because she saw my fragility.<br />And I told her I was just sore<br />And, yes, a little tired.<br />Instead of depressed and alone.<br />While she was potentially the only person<br />I encountered that day<br />That perhaps wanted to hear that from me<br />To use it as an opportunity<br />To leap over my apprehensive walls,<br />I had lied.<br /><br />And then there was a nap.<br />And then a call.<br />Then a drive.<br />And finally a bonfire.<br />Surrounded by card players<br />Young punks<br />And vagabonds<br />Getting drunk, having fun.<br />I stood alone as a friend made his move<br />On a girl in one of his classes.<br />And I watched a boy<br />Who'd just grabbed my tits<br />Wrestle a girl to the ground.<br />And forget my existence.<br /><br />I stared into those flames and reminisced<br />On all occasions during which I had stared into flames<br />And felt lonely, but ready.<br />For what, I don't know.<br />And then a girl approached me from behind<br />With glasses and a very serious expression<br />Only to state her name.<br />I responded apprehensively with mine<br />And as the last letter rolled off of my tongue<br />She asked if I was lonely.<br /><br />I stared, then shrugged.<br />"No, not really..."<br />"Well, you look really lonely."<br />And I lied again, and again.<br />And suddenly she left.<br /><br />And I only felt tired and old.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-11076729862889433412011-07-28T20:29:00.000-07:002011-07-28T20:31:01.626-07:00Return to greatness.I have plugged in my guitar.<br />I have handed in the two-week notice.<br />I have applied and reapplied.<br />I have paid to have it fixed.<br /><br />Progress is coming.<br />Progress always does.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-18229574850300976372011-07-25T00:43:00.000-07:002011-07-25T01:59:33.445-07:00A humbling continuance.Shadow sleeps at the base of a chair, curled up beneath the coffee table, waiting for my next movement so that she might carefully track me should I decide to visit the kitchen. She is a scavenger, keeping distance and hiding in the shadows, staying true to her name. She uses telepathy to beg. It's quite effective.<br /><br />I have been on the same page of a job application for almost three hours because this application asked me to describe my volunteer experience. I usually only mention what I did during college, but lately I've been feeling the need to connect with the greatness of the distant pass as opposed to only ever mentioning what I've been doing for the past few years.<br /><br />A couple weeks ago, after a long day at both jobs, I ended up at The Brass Rail to visit my friend who works as the doorman for every event. The conversations at hand were mostly about relationships, as usual. It was within that mindset that I was suddenly grabbed by a tall stranger, who wrapped his arms around me as quickly as he'd entered. I realized that both he and the two people he'd walked in with were old, old classmates of mine. I hadn't seen two of them since high school, and the other since the fifth grade. One of the first questions they asked me was if I still draw. I scoffed, saying that I didn't. They looked shocked, then asked if I still sculpt. My reaction was similar to the first.<br /><br />Then I realized that that was something I had abandoned. A skill set that I felt I had moved away from. Physical art production. I suddenly remembered that they had all thought that I was going to become a famous sculptor. A famous illustrator. I remembered their awe. I remembered my last formal art class, taught by a woman who created boring art and sought to change every idea I produced, who either denied or threatened to deny the A+ I rightly earned during each project. I remembered the sudden feeling that emerged in high school that I would never perfect those skills, and that there was no use in following them if I didn't intend to make a career out of it. I remembered the panic-stricken deadline-chasing and last-minute instructor-pleasing in my high school journalism classes that turned me off to the pursuit of journalism. Then I remembered how easy college felt by comparison. I wondered if it felt easier because I was so much more confident in my skills and purpose, or if it was because it really was much easier, and had lulled me into the state of forgetting my obsessive pursuit of perfection.<br /><br />In the middle of attempting to answer the question about my volunteer experience, I felt compelled to go upstairs and find my senior yearbook, as I couldn't remember that Key Club was called Key Club. I read the list next to my photo aloud to myself:<br /><br />Rifle Team 9, 10, 11, 12 (Captain 11, 12); Newspaper 10, 11, 12 (Editor-in-Chief 12); Yearbook 10, 11, 12; Key Club 11, 12; National Honor Society 10, 11, 12; World Culture Club 12; Tutoring 12; Mentoring 12; Speech 10, 11; Academic Super Bowl 11, 12; Band 9, 10, 11.<br /><br />On the next page, in the center of the senior superlatives layout, I contemplated the implications of having been voted "Most Unique," and thought of other ways I might have attempted to pose for that photo. I had worn devil horns over my cascading long hair, shown in a rare down state and enclosing my frame to the waist, wearing a Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness shirt, strapped with my Ibanez Artist guitar and throwing up the sign for metal, my tongue stuck out and obscuring my chin. I was visibly cocky, but I knew that I deserved that superlative. That photo had found me at the point of comfortable seniority. A point at which I was beginning to accept that I was special, that I had earned acknowledgement and entitlement. Next to me, in a separate photo, was the boy they had also voted as Most Unique, contradicting the title in his very presence, and sporting a nondescript "emo" appearance that was appropriately popular at the time.<br /><br />Here I sit, once again attempting to describe myself. Once again, noting changes, or expanding upon preexisting definitions. All in the hope that someone will find me worthy enough of occupying a position that would still not produce a yearly income above the poverty line. A yearly income that would be double my current.<br /><br />I've been aware that I have been significantly humbled in the past year by the hiring process. I only realized tonight how drastically more humble I have become since high school.<br /><br />Shadow is six years old now. I'm almost 18 years older than Shadow.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-11677802892200564012011-07-06T20:32:00.000-07:002011-07-06T20:33:48.938-07:00I still spend quite a lot of time watching documentaries.<br /><br />The only difference is that now I don't have anyone to talk to about what I'm learning.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-69338564317359423942011-07-06T12:34:00.000-07:002011-07-06T12:36:31.982-07:00I was right. I was so, so right.<br /><br />I usually am, though.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-57600313871629758912011-06-04T23:08:00.001-07:002011-06-04T23:17:30.044-07:00Cock Tales.I remembered, this evening,<br />When you asked me out for cocktails<br />In front of everyone,<br />Two years ago,<br />And we all blushed in response.<br />I stared, dumbfounded,<br />As you gazed back casually.<br />I said "why not?"<br /><br />So, instead of going back to Pride,<br />Where we'd just finished tabling,<br />We went to Farm,<br />And drank expensive booze,<br />And talked about women.<br />Almost 20 years my senior,<br />A seasoned queer woman from Chicago,<br />And I was never more flattered,<br />And never more regretful of the horrified look I gave them<br />As we walked out of Boxcar and into the night.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-86724261551609981352011-05-27T22:46:00.000-07:002011-05-28T01:04:50.818-07:00Cache creativity, cache reality.“To be silent; to be alone. All the being and the doing, expansive, glittering, vocal, evaporated; and one shrunk, with a sense of solemnity, to being oneself, a wedge-shaped core of darkness, something invisible to others.”-Virginia Woolf, <span style="font-style:italic;">To the Lighthouse</span><br /><br />I'm struggling against my own creativity.<br /><br />Every day, it is the thought,<br />"Today, I need to get my shit together."<br />"Today, I need to write something. Play something."<br />"Something."<br /><br />And, every day, it is the feeling,<br />"I'm so tired."<br />"I'm so sad."<br />"I'm so lonely."<br /><br />I'm very inspired.<br />And very uninspired.<br /><br />I'm building a collection.<br />Always.<br />The collection changes from day to day.<br />But I do not forget.<br />I do not slim down.<br />I do not erase.<br /><br />It is a library of thoughts.<br />Of regrets and empty experiences.<br />Slipping interests.<br />Fading words.<br /><br />Things that inspired individuals in the past<br />To write words that became great.<br />Words that held their meanings through the years.<br />Words that feel like crumbling, permanent pillars<br />Of our cultural currency.<br /><br />I think that part of my problem<br />Is that I believe the expression of these particular emotions and ideas<br />Is a cliche in itself.<br />It's been done before, over and over.<br />It's useless unless it's totally unique.<br /><br />I don't want my mansion to look like everyone else's.<br />I want mine to be unique.<br />Because we all want to be unique.<br />Special, every one.<br />Rich and famous, every one.<br /><br />It'd be a betrayal of myself<br />To attempt to publish or present<br />Anything less than something I can totally stand behind.<br />Irrational, perhaps, but respectable by nature.<br />I am my own motive. No one, nothing else.<br /><br />And it is myself that I conceal.<br />And myself I will present.<br />Myself that will conquer.<br />Myself that will survive.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-62567413097646214442011-05-22T23:25:00.000-07:002011-05-22T23:30:29.776-07:00I'm still certain that the best revenge<br />Is the lack of further acknowledgement of past events.<br />As much as I would like to tell my own tragedies,<br />It's best that the people involved are just going to slip into obscurity.<br />Where they belong.<br />As I've said before, though,<br />Tragedy is easier to write about.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-32722225670022435132011-05-17T10:38:00.000-07:002011-05-17T11:22:26.305-07:00I still feel like my throat was slit a month ago,<br />And I've been bleeding out in a serial killer's basement ever since.<br />I feel like a living murder victim.<br /><br />I'm stuck in a limbo I didn't invite.<br />There are days of anger,<br />And there are days of sadness.<br />But, all together, there is a lot of nothingness.<br /><br />I feel like a ghost,<br />Becoming increasingly inconsequential and forgotten<br />While in the prime of my life.<br /><br />All the witnesses of my past greatness<br />Are scattered across the world.<br />And the days in which I was celebrated seem to be fading into a distant past.<br /><br />The search parties,<br />Try as they might to find me,<br />To rescue me,<br />To bring me home to recover,<br />Have yet to successfully locate me.<br /><br />Sometimes I feel as though they've seen<br />But not comprehended<br />And perhaps called off the search too soon.<br /><br />And then there are times when the trapdoor is opened.<br />And the murder site is returned to.<br />To put lipstick on slimy lips<br />Or caress the silken, slipping hair of the many trophies there.<br /><br />My lifeless eyes linger on those of my killer.<br />Try as I might to forget how I once saw them<br />And focus on my own destruction's influence on them<br />I mourn the loss of what I thought was a growing love.<br /><br />What instead became a slaughter<br />That rendered my meat rotting and useless.<br />Which is something else entirely to mourn.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-33408659613960220742011-04-21T22:06:00.001-07:002011-04-21T23:18:11.524-07:00Pertinent Premonition.I feel like something's coming, and I don't know what it is.<br />It's like I'm waiting for an inevitable turn.<br />Yet another dramatic volta.<br />There have been so many in the past five years of my life.<br />It's hard to imagine what the next is.<br /><br />Rationally, it should be a physical move.<br />A personal exodus.<br />To a trendy but perhaps remote location.<br />Potentially full of people waiting and willing to embrace me in their community.<br />A place where I'll again have opportunities to become involved in activities I love.<br />More opportunities for me to display my self-realized abilities to surprise, inspire and conquer.<br />More opportunities for me to build and rebuild my empire.<br />To again rise to the top of my networking game.<br /><br />All this recent bridge-burning business has made me miss meeting people.<br />Developing useful connections.<br />Meeting people that present me with opportunities simply for knowing them.<br />My utilitarian sensibilities are returning, but to what benefit?<br />Maybe this is the incentive I need to formalize the plans for escape.<br />There is a cut-throat business woman lurking somewhere in me.<br />And I have to get to the people I'm supposed to meet.<br /><br />I still believe in fate.<br />Purpose.<br />Happenstance reason.<br />Surprise.<br /><br />My karma is demanding its equal in events.<br />And it's very, very good.<br />I'm hopeful, to say the least.<br /><br /><iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Ib3ERyJFZvM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-32746395680082259002011-04-14T11:50:00.000-07:002011-04-14T12:03:09.689-07:00Libraries: the new crisis lines.During a particularly busy stint in the library on Monday, I was answering the business line because I was the first to get to it. The man on the other end reluctantly asked if there was someone on staff that just answered questions. I told him that everyone else was fairly busy at the moment but that I'd be happy to answer his question. He proceeded to ask for a clarification of the definitions of "bisexuality" and "homosexuality," and what the difference between the two was, if any.<br /><br />I proceeded to calmly explain that bisexuality is the sexual attraction to individuals of both sexes, and homosexuality is the exclusive attraction to individuals of the same sex.<br /><br />He then asked what it would be if, say, an individual was coerced into performing "certain acts." I calmly explained that sexual orientation is typically a product of the individual's chosen, natural preference, and that such actions would not matter if the coerced individual didn't want them to. He then told me that he'd recently been at a bachelor's party, where his friends had coerced him into performing "certain acts," and that he wasn't sure of what it meant.<br /><br />I explained that, again, these actions didn't have to mean anything if he didn't want them to. And if he decided that he enjoyed these actions, he was free to explore more of those actions and then make a decision from there. But that, again, if he didn't want to be described in a new way, that he didn't have to be, because it was his choice as to whether or not these actions would redefine his identity.<br /><br />He thanked me before saying goodbye, and sounded like he felt better.<br /><br />A coworker joked that perhaps he'd called the grocery store before that, and I couldn't stop laughing.<br /><br />But I generally feel really good about what I said.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-14847454865519150262011-03-16T18:36:00.001-07:002011-03-16T22:02:14.145-07:00Mud.Tonight I got the first ride in in months.<br />Ten miles.<br />It felt easy.<br />Balmy air makes all the difference.<br />We rode down the muddy trails.<br />Through the floodlands.<br />Past everyone else who felt the need to feel alive.<br />It was a hard winter, after all.<br />My dad could only listen.<br />As I discussed my current thoughts.<br />The texts.<br />The bad night of sleep.<br />Being late to work because I slept through my alarm.<br />The karmic sadness and frustration I feel because of it.<br />I was still swollen from crying when I woke up.<br />Today is the first day my face has felt normal in about four.<br /><br />We returned covered in dirt.<br />But I felt cleaner.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-81653108519634895582010-12-07T02:37:00.000-08:002010-12-07T04:18:08.135-08:00Cashier Stories and Observations, Volume One.I.<br />The Salvation Army Bell-Ringer, whom had been singing at people as they exited and entered the store's entrance, approached a boy whom I had trained alongside, whom was fresh out of high school, during our break. Tiger Woods was golfing on television, so naturally the conversation began about golf. The Bell-Ringer said that Tiger was not "right with God" because he had been unfaithful, and the boy agreed. The Bell-Ringer asked the boy's age, and whether or not he'd be going to college. The boy responded that he was the first in four generations in his family to graduate from high school, and that he currently didn't know if he'd continue on to college or not. The Bell-Ringer talked about how he didn't go to college but could have and that he's a music virtuoso who's been playing the violin since he was four. "I AIN'T JUST SOME BELL-RINGER, YOU KNOW." The Bell-Ringer then said that his nephew has been going to college for a long time, and that "after a while, they just let you start teaching classes." Then he abruptly commanded the boy not to let ANYTHING come between him and God. He then said his nephew had let books come between him and God, further explaining this phenomenon by saying that he was "26, and didn't date." The Bell-Ringer stated that the only way to know God was through a relationship, ie: mindlessly procreating. Then I walked out, thinking about the Bell-Ringer's closeted gay nephew who's probably a grad student teaching classes to underclassmen at IU, and how he probably never speaks of his crazy uncle.<br /><br />II.<br />After leaving the break room and returning to my register, an elderly man came through my line with a WIC voucher for produce. I accidentally didn't use the entirety of the $6 on the man's produce. He demanded that I fix this. I called my manager over, and my manager explained that there was no way of fixing this due to WIC's strict regulations. The man replied "so, I'm going to have to pay for someone else's mistake?" Yes, he indeed had to pay $1, while tax-payers paid the remaining $5 that had already been accounted for. He spent a total of $54 after that voucher. With food stamps. Including the dreaded $1.<br /><br />III.<br />An impatient woman came through my line one of the first afternoons I was working and was using food stamps. I don't fully remember what happened, but something went wrong, and I didn't know what to do about it, as I hadn't been taught yet. Her response to this was "you shouldn't be doing this if you don't know what the hell you're doing." I prefer to think that this is a manifestation of the bad karma that follows her around.<br /><br />IV.<br />I've noticed that the store's HR representative/secretary says "from WO-rk" in the same way every time she calls me, and it really pisses me off. I'll have to say it aloud for you sometime so that you understand this, because it gets under your skin immediately. Also, I don't understand why she doesn't just say the name of the store, as opposed to "from WO-rk." I have decided that she is also deceptive and inept, as she told me that I'd probably be making $8.70/hr when I first began, and then upon questioning her a week later, she put all the blame for me only making $7.25/hr on the union. She shouldn't have said anything at all if there was any doubt about it. She was also telling me about how she was going to take some classes to learn to operate Microsoft Word. My internal response is that I could easily take her job in a heartbeat if it wasn't company policy to only promote from within. I'm coming for her, I suppose.<br /><br />V.<br />Today, on my 15-minute break, I learned a man's three-generation history of how his family came to reside in Fort Wayne, unprovoked. I was watching the evening news when this man started yelling at me while not looking directly at me (at all...it was always to my far left) about how his grandfather ordered a house kit from the Sears catalog when he had farmland near the area. "Built the whole damn thing from a single kit, and the house is still standing today. Took my wife out there to see the place. We was driving through and she says 'look at that pretty little house' and I says 'that's my grandfather's house' and she JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT." Then he talked about how some fast-talking oil men came in and convinced his grandfather to put some kind of lean on the land as they drilled for oil. Their drilling only produced methane gas, as his grandfather's land was ancient swamp land, which is apparently the best kind of farm land around. Except for when the farmer attempts to grow potatoes. He went on to say that the Hinkles, at some point amidst their northern Indiana farming success, attempted to grow potatoes and sell them to the Seifer's chip factory that used to be here, but that their potatoes were rejected because a potato that's grown in old swamp land picks up the taste of the muck itself. The potatoes taste earthen and moldy. Then the man heard some alarm going off and stormed out of the room. That's when my break expired and I left.<br /><br />VI.<br />A woman had been sure that there was more money on her food stamp card then there was. Upon learning how much was actually on the card, she began exclaiming "I'm gonna KILL my son!" Then, with a sigh of exasperation, she said "there goes my beer money."<br /><br />VII.<br />Yesterday, as I was assisting a customer in my express lane (read: should be 15 items or less) whom easily had about 30-40 thanks to the four WIC vouchers she wanted me to process, a young man shouted at me from over a divider "hey yo. yo. YO." When I finally looked at him he said "can I get a Red Bull with food stamps?" I stared at him and then replied that I wasn't sure. "Tsk. You ain't sure. Then who IS?" He said this with a really condescending, impatient tone. I pointed out the managers, and he and his snickering friend walked away. Then I realized that he was either the brother or the lover of the girl I'd been helping, and, by extension, the dependent of the girl's mother whom had just spent about $300 in food stamps buying expensive real foods. He and his snickering friend then presented me with a range of chips, candy, and pop as he asked how he was supposed to use his food stamp card. "You slide it" was all I said. I watched him as he and his friend laughed with glee about getting away with using food stamps for the first time.<br /><br />VIII.<br />There is a great deal of racial variation in this store's customers, but the majority of customers are black. I am white and relatively well-spoken. I've noticed that a small percentage of these customers will give me dirty looks in between carrying on with their friends and acquaintances they see around the store. I try to ignore this, but I constantly feel like I'm in a Spike Lee film that's about to become misguidedly violent for no reason at any moment. I deeply hate this feeling, but it's honest in its presence. There is a definite tension regarding my presence in this store. Also, I become extremely frustrated with the stereotypes that are constantly played out amongst our customers. Chitlins, turkey necks, turkey tails, pig feet, etc...they are what my friend Nick referred to as "slave food." He was telling me that his dad refuses to allow his children to eat these things because he believes that the "tradition" of eating these things only contributes to the tradition of inferiority, to eat the pieces that are meant to be thrown away/thrown to the dogs. These things are still extremely popular amongst our customers. This doesn't frustrate me on a racial level as much as it does a class level. I feel the same way every time a disheveled white person comes through with nothing but Mountain Dew and chips or something. It's the nutritional perpetuation of a slave class status. It's settling for bad food when it isn't much more expensive to get things that are good for you or at least of higher quality. Latinos also fall back on traditional cheap foods, but from what I've observed, theirs always seem to be more balanced or generally better. Refried beans, tortillas, lettuce, tomato, pinto soup beans, various kinds of peppers, and whatever kind of meat is on sale (usually chicken or ground beef). While it isn't built into the American tradition, what I've seen come through nearly every Latino's order is becoming more and more present in orders across the racial board, because this is nourishing cheap food. Another stereotype I find odd but culturally interesting: Asians typically only buy fresh produce and eggs. I want to know what they're making with these things, but they usually don't speak English. Also, everyone across the board pays in food stamps. It isn't racially limited in the slightest. It's just an indicator of what kind of area this is. Sometimes I see well-dressed people with the newest phones and whatnot paying with food stamps. It angers me.<br /><br />IX.<br />Most days in this store are meat-tastrophes for me. The top selling kind is, of course, ground beef, followed by chicken (mainly legs followed by breasts), steaks, then catfish. My hands dry out by the end of my shift from all of the sanitizer I pour on them throughout my time there.<br /><br />X.<br />There was an elderly woman that came through my line yesterday who was followed by a slightly younger man whom was shouting gibberish in one long stream of gibberish. She was begging forgiveness from everyone, explaining that her son was troubled and going back to the hospital soon, and that she'd be having the time of her life if it wasn't for him. She said she was 72 and he was 52 and he'd been this way and living with her almost all his life. She was very embarrassed and kept telling him to shut up and stop it but he wouldn't. At one point, while he was staring at me and shouting gibberish, it sounded as if he scoffed/laughed and said "nigger" as if he was preaching to everyone that surrounded me about how the whitey should not be trusted. That's when people looked at me, as if I'd done something to provoke it. The mother kept telling him to shut up and eventually the eyes left me, but the feeling, no matter how fleeting, was not pleasant.<br /><br />XI.<br />A woman came through tonight with three items: a half gallon of milk, fudge popsicles, and a pineapple. I asked her, as I ask everyone, how she was doing. She sighed and said "fine, but my rabbit's sick. That's why I'm getting the pineapple." I learned that apparently pineapple is supposed to jump-start a rabbit's digestive system.A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-38306191545526375742010-11-27T19:15:00.001-08:002010-11-27T19:15:42.411-08:00This is for the coming snow.<img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyOTA5MTQwODk4MTYmcHQ9MTI5MDkxNDA5MzcxNiZwPTY5NDMwMSZkPSZnPTEmbz*4MDNkZGI3NDZiZTg*NjZmYjNm/MWE3NTM*NzYyNmQzNiZvZj*w.gif" /><div style="text-align: center; margin-left: auto; visibility:visible; margin-right: auto; width:450px;"> <object width="435" height="270"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.playlistproject.net/mc/mp3player_new.swf"></param> <param name="allowscriptaccess" value="never"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <param name="flashvars" value="config=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.indimusic.us%2Fext%2Fpc%2Fconfig_green_noautostart.xml&mywidth=435&myheight=270&playlist_url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.playlistproject.net%2Fpl.php%3Fplaylist%3D52872099%26t%3D1290914090&wid=os"></param> <embed style="width:435px; visibility:visible; height:270px;" allowScriptAccess="never" src="http://www.playlistproject.net/mc/mp3player_new.swf" flashvars="config=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.indimusic.us%2Fext%2Fpc%2Fconfig_green_noautostart.xml&mywidth=435&myheight=270&playlist_url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.playlistproject.net%2Fpl.php%3Fplaylist%3D52872099%26t%3D1290914090&wid=os" width="435" height="270" name="mp3player" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" border="0"/> </object> <br/> <a href="http://www.playlistproject.net"><img src="http://www.playlistproject.net/mc/images/create_green.jpg" border="0" alt="Get a playlist!"/></a> <a href="http://www.playlistproject.net/playlist/13535257355/standalone" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.playlistproject.net/mc/images/launch_green.jpg" border="0" alt="Standalone player"/></a> <a href="http://www.playlistproject.net/playlist/13535257355/download"><img src="http://www.playlistproject.net/mc/images/get_green.jpg" border="0" alt="Get Ringtones"/></a> </div>A Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-39122578303779724652010-10-29T20:14:00.000-07:002010-10-29T20:20:13.534-07:00HALLOWEEN MIX THREEIt's done, finally.<br /><br />DOWNLOAD IT <a href="http://www.archive.org/details/HalloweenMixThree">HERE</a>.<br /><br />OR LISTEN TO IT HERE.<br /><object width="640" height="26" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000"><param value="true" name="allowfullscreen"/><param value="always" name="allowscriptaccess"/><param value="high" name="quality"/><param value="true" name="cachebusting"/><param value="#000000" name="bgcolor"/><param name="movie" value="http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.commercial-3.2.1.swf" /><param value="config={'key':'#$aa4baff94a9bdcafce8','playlist':[{'url':'HPCAST3.mp3','autoPlay':false}],'clip':{'autoPlay':true,'baseUrl':'http://www.archive.org/download/HalloweenMixThree/'},'canvas':{'backgroundColor':'#000000','backgroundGradient':'none'},'plugins':{'audio':{'url':'http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.audio-3.2.1-dev.swf'},'controls':{'playlist':false,'fullscreen':false,'height':26,'backgroundColor':'#000000','autoHide':{'fullscreenOnly':true},'scrubberHeightRatio':0.6,'timeFontSize':9,'mute':false,'top':0}},'contextMenu':[{},'-','Flowplayer v3.2.1']}" name="flashvars"/><embed src="http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.commercial-3.2.1.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="640" height="26" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" cachebusting="true" bgcolor="#000000" quality="high" flashvars="config={'key':'#$aa4baff94a9bdcafce8','playlist':[{'url':'HPCAST3.mp3','autoPlay':false}],'clip':{'autoPlay':true,'baseUrl':'http://www.archive.org/download/HalloweenMixThree/'},'canvas':{'backgroundColor':'#000000','backgroundGradient':'none'},'plugins':{'audio':{'url':'http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.audio-3.2.1-dev.swf'},'controls':{'playlist':false,'fullscreen':false,'height':26,'backgroundColor':'#000000','autoHide':{'fullscreenOnly':true},'scrubberHeightRatio':0.6,'timeFontSize':9,'mute':false,'top':0}},'contextMenu':[{},'-','Flowplayer v3.2.1']}"> </embed></object><br /><br />Halloween Mix Three Setlist:<br /><br />"Dead Like Us"-Idiot Flesh<br />"Sleep Is Wrong"-Sleepytime Gorilla Museum<br />"I Love the Nightlife"-Alicia Bridges<br />"Bloodletting (The Vampire Song)"-Concrete Blonde<br />"Bela Lugosi's Dead"-Bauhaus<br />"This Corrosion"-Sisters of Mercy<br />"Wanna Be a Vampire Too, Baby"-Helium<br />"Vampire"-Antsy Pants<br />"People Are Strange"-The Doors<br />"Possum Kingdom"-Toadies<br />"Bloodsport"-Sneaker Pimps<br />"Long Hard Road Out of Hell"-Marilyn Manson & Sneaker Pimps<br />"Transylvanian Concubine [Yes Sir, Mr. Sir Marilyn Manson Club Mix]"-Rasputina <br />"Love Game (Chew Fu Ghettohouse Fix)"-Lady GaGa feat. Marilyn Manson<br />"Before I'm Dead"-kidneythievesA Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-55524797205353409362010-10-26T23:07:00.001-07:002010-10-27T00:38:47.290-07:00HALLOWEEN MIX TWOThis is the second Halloween Mix of 2010. I made this for the creeps that find this time of the year romantic...myself included. There are genuinely creepy "love"-related songs on it, as well.<br /><br />Download <a href="http://www.archive.org/details/HalloweenMixTwo">here</a>.<br /><br />Or listen here.<br /><object width="640" height="26" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000"><param value="true" name="allowfullscreen"/><param value="always" name="allowscriptaccess"/><param value="high" name="quality"/><param value="true" name="cachebusting"/><param value="#000000" name="bgcolor"/><param name="movie" value="http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.commercial-3.2.1.swf" /><param value="config={'key':'#$aa4baff94a9bdcafce8','playlist':[{'url':'PCASTHM2.mp3','autoPlay':false}],'clip':{'autoPlay':true,'baseUrl':'http://www.archive.org/download/HalloweenMixTwo/'},'canvas':{'backgroundColor':'#000000','backgroundGradient':'none'},'plugins':{'audio':{'url':'http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.audio-3.2.1-dev.swf'},'controls':{'playlist':false,'fullscreen':false,'height':26,'backgroundColor':'#000000','autoHide':{'fullscreenOnly':true},'scrubberHeightRatio':0.6,'timeFontSize':9,'mute':false,'top':0}},'contextMenu':[{},'-','Flowplayer v3.2.1']}" name="flashvars"/><embed src="http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.commercial-3.2.1.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="640" height="26" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" cachebusting="true" bgcolor="#000000" quality="high" flashvars="config={'key':'#$aa4baff94a9bdcafce8','playlist':[{'url':'PCASTHM2.mp3','autoPlay':false}],'clip':{'autoPlay':true,'baseUrl':'http://www.archive.org/download/HalloweenMixTwo/'},'canvas':{'backgroundColor':'#000000','backgroundGradient':'none'},'plugins':{'audio':{'url':'http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.audio-3.2.1-dev.swf'},'controls':{'playlist':false,'fullscreen':false,'height':26,'backgroundColor':'#000000','autoHide':{'fullscreenOnly':true},'scrubberHeightRatio':0.6,'timeFontSize':9,'mute':false,'top':0}},'contextMenu':[{},'-','Flowplayer v3.2.1']}"> </embed></object><br /><br />Halloween 2010 Mix Two:<br />"Burn"-The Cure<br />"Demons Sing Love Songs"-Unwound<br />"Spooky"-Classics IV<br />"Ava Adore"-The Smashing Pumpkins<br />"Black Sheep"-Metric<br />"Love Me"-The Cramps<br />"No One Does It Like You"-Department of Eagles<br />"He Hit Me"-Grizzly Bear<br />"Sadness Creeping Up and Scaring Away the Couple's Happiness"-Of Montreal<br />"I Will Possess Your Heart"-Death Cab for Cutie<br />"I'm Always Manic (When I'm Around You)"-A Big Yes and A Small No<br />"Pretty When You Cry"-VAST<br />"Don't Cha"-Xiu Xiu<br />"Wet Dreams"-The Growlers<br />"Little Red Riding Hood"-Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs<br />"I Love You, Too"-Disney's Pete's Dragon<br />"Love Potion #9"-The Searchers<br />"I Love the Dead"-Alice CooperA Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6287528473531476301.post-60173670775469257492010-10-26T20:53:00.001-07:002010-10-26T21:31:39.018-07:00HALLOWEEN MIX ONEMy apologies for doing this so late in the month and so very, very close to Halloween. I hope that at least some of you have a chance to listen to this while it's still seasonally appropriate.<br /><br />Like last time, you can download the show's mp3 file <a href="http://www.archive.org/details/HalloweenMixOne">here</a>.<br /><br />Or just listen to it RIGHT HERE!<br /><object width="640" height="26" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000"><param value="true" name="allowfullscreen"/><param value="always" name="allowscriptaccess"/><param value="high" name="quality"/><param value="true" name="cachebusting"/><param value="#000000" name="bgcolor"/><param name="movie" value="http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.commercial-3.2.1.swf" /><param value="config={'key':'#$aa4baff94a9bdcafce8','playlist':[{'url':'PCASTHM1.mp3','autoPlay':false}],'clip':{'autoPlay':true,'baseUrl':'http://www.archive.org/download/HalloweenMixOne/'},'canvas':{'backgroundColor':'#000000','backgroundGradient':'none'},'plugins':{'audio':{'url':'http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.audio-3.2.1-dev.swf'},'controls':{'playlist':false,'fullscreen':false,'height':26,'backgroundColor':'#000000','autoHide':{'fullscreenOnly':true},'scrubberHeightRatio':0.6,'timeFontSize':9,'mute':false,'top':0}},'contextMenu':[{},'-','Flowplayer v3.2.1']}" name="flashvars"/><embed src="http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.commercial-3.2.1.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="640" height="26" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" cachebusting="true" bgcolor="#000000" quality="high" flashvars="config={'key':'#$aa4baff94a9bdcafce8','playlist':[{'url':'PCASTHM1.mp3','autoPlay':false}],'clip':{'autoPlay':true,'baseUrl':'http://www.archive.org/download/HalloweenMixOne/'},'canvas':{'backgroundColor':'#000000','backgroundGradient':'none'},'plugins':{'audio':{'url':'http://www.archive.org/flow/flowplayer.audio-3.2.1-dev.swf'},'controls':{'playlist':false,'fullscreen':false,'height':26,'backgroundColor':'#000000','autoHide':{'fullscreenOnly':true},'scrubberHeightRatio':0.6,'timeFontSize':9,'mute':false,'top':0}},'contextMenu':[{},'-','Flowplayer v3.2.1']}"> </embed></object><br /><br />Halloween Mix One Setlist:<br />"Burn the Witch"-Queens of the Stone Age<br />"We Put the Fun Back in Funeral"-Mercury Radio Theater<br />"Corpse Grindin' Man"-Harley Poe<br />"Dead Lover's Twisted Heart"-Daniel Johnston<br />"Everyone Was Still"-The Robot Ate Me<br />"Time of the Season"-The Zombies<br />"Zombie Killer"-Leslie Hall feat. Elvira<br />"Red Right Hand"-Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds<br />"Mr. Clarinet"-The Birthday Party<br />"Youth of America"-Birdbrain<br />"Avoid Pregnancy During Alcohol"-Men's Recovery Project<br />"Party Werewolf (I Need a Freak)"-Andy D.<br />"Lotion"-Greens Keepers<br />"Goodbye Horses"-Q. Lazzarus<br />"Gas Chamber"-L7<br />"Texas Chainsaw Massacre Intro"<br />"I Put a Spell on You"-Marilyn Manson<br />"Spellbound"-Siouxsie and The BansheesA Twilight Shadowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678706900025164527noreply@blogger.com0